Breakups are hard enough, but when your ex keeps coming back but doesn’t seem to want you back it can be crushing.
Maybe he starts commenting on your social media accounts, maybe he shoots you friendly texts once in a while, maybe he wants to go out for coffee and catch up. If you give in when he wants to talk or see you, then you may be in a devastating cycle of gaining false hope and thinking he wants to get back together, only to experience to crushing blow of rejection once again when he either disappears or tells you he doesn’t want to try again.
But then why? Why does he keep coming back? Surely it has to mean something!
A lot of women will make the mistake of thinking he keeps coming back because they’re meant to be, because he really is her soulmate or twin flame and just can’t live without her (and to that I just have to say, if he was truly meant to be with you then he would actually be with you!).
This is the truth about why he keeps coming back into your life:
1. He doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy.
No guy, at least no normal, emotionally healthy guy, makes it a goal to break a woman’s heart. He doesn’t want to hurt you, he wants to believe you’re on the same page as him and everyone can move on and be happy.
A very long time ago, during my single days, I met a really hot guy who also happened to be really smart and nice, a jackpot!
And he was super into me right away. And given that things never ever seemed to work out the way I wanted, I figured the universe was finally throwing me a bone and I was getting what I deserved after so many years of heartache and rejection.
We went on a few dates and while we had fun, it was very clear this wasn’t a match. He was still very much in his “frat boy” era even though he had long since graduated, and I was in my late twenties and dating more seriously. It wasn’t just about having fun, I wanted to find someone I could get serious with.
I knew the truth, but he was just so hot I decided to ignore it and keep going, but then he not so surprisingly ghosted me. Even though I saw it coming, I was upset about it. But the show must go on.
Weeks went by and then I randomly ran into him on the streets of NYC (it’s always hard not to think of things as being meant to be when that happens, because seriously — what are the odds?!).
Now if I could go back in time and redo this moment, I would have just been cool and collected, I would have given him a friendly hello and been on my way. But that’s not what I did, I was overcome with a desperate need to win him over, to get things back on track. After some flirty and friendly banter, I invited him to a happy hour thing I was going to later that week.
He showed up, I tried to get him back, and I failed and felt like an idiot.
A few months go by and then he randomly texted me wishing me happy holidays. I immediately thought this meant he was interested in me again, that he had lingering feelings that were bubbling up to the surface.
But no, nothing came of it. But he would still shoot me friendly texts here and there. And I would usually reply enthusiastically and then the conversation would die off.
So what was his deal?
Well, I did run into him a few times at different events about a year after our “relationship” and I learned he’s just a really nice guy. I didn’t really pay attention to that part when were dating because I was so focused on getting him to like me, but he is just kind of a sweet little puppy and I think he just didn’t want to feel like the bad guy by ghosting a girl. So in his mind, he wasn’t really ghosting because he was still texting me on occasion. And I’m not giving him a total pass here. What he did was immature, but as I said, he was still in his frat boy era. And I don’t think he realized that he was giving me false hope every time he texted. I genuinely think he thought it was the kind thing to do, he didn’t want me to feel like I was just discarded.