Here is an interesting idea: If you were cheated from a having a Valentine’s Day [insert your desire here], should you ask for a redo? Recently, a friend of mine shared with me that her teenage daughter insisted her boyfriend provide a Valentine’s redo. She said the she got the idea from reading my book. Nah! That’s not possible, because I didn’t suggest that in either of my books. Days later, I hear of another person using that same term: Valentine’s Redo! So I started to think about it. Here are my thoughts on the subject. I think this could be revolutionary! At first blush, I thought this was a forceful and brazen idea. Not exactly the model I’m teaching. Sure, I encourage assertiveness, but not to the point of being a prima donna. But then I thought about it again. After considering the pros and cons, I came the conclusion that I like the pros. So here are some things to keep in mind:
What if he forgets again next year?
It’s a good idea to be honest and let him know if you were disappointed by his thoughtlessness, but if he doesn’t have to do anything about it right away, he’s more likely to forget again next year.
You are getting his attention!
By insisting on a redo this year, within a week, you are demonstrating how important this is to you! Let’s face it, men have been conditioned to believe that women are only upset in the moment. There are even men’s clubs that prescribe just giving her a hug to calm her down, claiming the upset will fade away. So, by asking in a way that says, “I mean business,” and, “I want it NOW,” you’ll make a lasting impression on him. He won’t make the same mistake again next year.
Actions are better than lip service.
If you have a man that tends to be all talk, this is a way to get him to start realizing that without actions, he might lose you. If you are a woman who accepts lip service year after year, your complaints have lost their credibility to him. You have trained him that either you don’t really mean what you say, or he can get away with ignoring you. So asking for this NOW, shows a change in behavior which will get his attention.
Shake things up!
Another way to look at it is that he’s never seen you insist on anything like this before, which will get his attention. Men are better partners when they feel the need to please you. If he does not care whether you are pleased or not, welcome to the doormat club.
Are you stuck in “friend” mode?
Now if you happen to be seeing a guy regularly and he still treats you like a friend and not a girlfriend, by insisting that you want a Valentine’s Redo, you’ll certainly make a statement that lets him know what you want. He’ll start realizing that he will either have to show up or risk losing you. And you if you make the grand gesture that you were disappointed by his lack of attention for Valentine’s Day, and you wimp out in fear that he will run away, I say, “For shame!” If you’re never willing to risk losing a guy, then you will never find out what he’ll do if he thinks he might lose you!
What to Ask For?
Recently I met this woman whose idea of Valentine’s attention is a card, which really had me shaking my head. What a low bar, she has! Why are women always making things too easy for men? Big whoop! A card? Is that really a worthy effort? That’s what you expect from a mother or a grandmother, not your boyfriend, husband, significant other! You don’t have to ask for something financially extravagant (it all depends on his means). But please at least ask to be taken out, and let him demonstrate that he can plan something. Even if it’s not dinner, maybe it’s just a special day, doing something that makes you happy and allows you to share intimate time. Perhaps it’s that he plans the whole night, including the babysitter! Perhaps it’s simply a long romantic walk, or a bath together. It doesn’t always have to be about money.
What makes you happy?
If you are asking for a redo, then you must also make it clear what an acceptable redo would be. Chances are that if you ask for a redo, he might choose something that is not to your liking. For example, what if he spends money on long red roses and you feel that’s a waste of money? The point is not to let the guy fall to his standard Valentine behavior. Instead, ask for whatever makes Valentine’s Day feel special and personal for you!
Men just want to win!
I want you to keep in mind that men want to win, and they can’t win if they have to read your mind. Now, please don’t use the line, “If he loves me, he will know what I want!” Just because a man is not observant doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Therefore, give him a list of ideas. Tell him that you don’t expect everything on this list, but that you’re just providing him with a variety of choices, so he can has the option of picking and even embellishing to surprise you. By the way, some men don’t even know that surprises can be romantic.
Love what he does!
Now, since this is a Valentine’s Redo, you have to reward his correction with some praise and acknowledgement. If his effort is a clear indication that he tried, don’t spoil it by being too critical! This is the time to be positive. You might need years to train your Romeo on how to do your birthday, Valentine’s, and Mother’s Days right! If you criticize his effort when he was clearly aiming for improvement, then you will lose his desire to try harder next year.
Good luck!
Coach Denise
