Contemplating Divorce?

4 min read

I was looking through articles I had written years ago, and I was reminded of a couple that attended our Inspired Relationships weekend workshop years ago.   I loved that this couple attended the workshop to achieve peace and closure in their divorce. To everyone’s surprise, they healed their relationship and are still married today!

Here’s the story and the surprising outcome:

I got a call from a couple who heard about our workshop, yet they were so angry with each other, I could not understand why they were attending a relationship workshop.  Trust me, as a relationships coach I was nervous. I’d never had a couple so resigned.

But their intention was no longer about fixing a broken marriage, but since they heard so many of their friends share how amazing the course was, I think, they secretly wanted to attend to prove to the other, that they were the reason for the failed relationship. I didn’t want them to attend, but they sold me on the idea that they wanted to find out how to divorce amicably and discover what patterns to avoid in their future relationships.  So I agreed it was fitting for them to attend the course.

Below are examples of unhealthy patterns in their relationship that felt insurmountable for them:

* She did not have the freedom to ask for what she wants.
* She would keep her feelings bottled up inside because she felt he would not listen.
* Instead of calmly discussing their upsets, their frustration erupted into angry accusations.
* She never let him win a single conversation.
* To avoid her wrath he would just avoid her completely.
* He did not know how to handle her upsets and therefore did nothing.
* He thought his wife was out of control and went to a lawyer instead of working on a solution.
* He was very controlling, which resulted in her being withdrawn and depressed.
* When she asked him to help her, he was clueless about what she really wanted.

Can a couple repair a marriage when they are so angry with each other?
Yes!  But they both have to come to the table ready to change themselves (instead of each other).  Any couple that approaches either coaching, therapy or a workshop to “fix” the other will fail.  Instead of being open or even willing to learn, each will be fearful to make changes when their partner does not equally take a look at how they contributed to the cause.  It’s called ownership.  Ownership is a power partnership model, and the best way to right a wronged relationship.

I should tell you that their conversations about each other are never angry or blaming anymore. They have tool and new practices that will keep their marriage on track. The women are better partners in their husband’s success. The men are better communicators and are motivated to listen to their wives. They are all using the techniques they learned. They say it’s so much easier. And they are doing well.

Here are some quotes from them:

“Wow. I am still feeling so overflowing with excitement about our future and our partnership. We keep asking each other, ‘do you still feel good?’”

“Denise, I am so grateful that we met you, and that you are in my life. I love my husband again. I feel he really is the man of my dreams.”

“I had no idea how controlling I was. I want my wife to feel loved and safe. I realize now that I would have had the same issues no matter what woman I was with. I thought I came to fix her, but I found out how to be a better husband. I am inspired by providing her with the safety of knowing I really do care.”

“What a wake up call for me. I see now how unconscious I was about how to be a great husband. I just thought if I went to work, and never cheated, that I was ‘above the fray’. Now I can hear my wife, and as a result she feels so loved and we have a stronger relationship. It’s great to have my wife back!

So why am I sharing this with you?  To help you seek more than just therapy.  Find a relationship course.  Relationship courses don’t have to be painful, they can be fun.  I know when we offered our course, it was never about analyzing what went wrong.  Instead we just taught the new tools and created some really amusing and playful ways for couples to open themselves to a new way of doing their relationship.

You may think you have the skills to fix your marriage, or you may think it is unresolveable.  But if one weekend, or one week can change the way you feel and treat each other, isn’t that worth it?  I can’t believe how many times I have heard, we can’t afford it.   A course is much cheaper than a divorce! Or people think a vacation will do the job, ha!  Chances are you will ruin the vacation, by doing what it was that caused you two to drift.

If this blog awakened something in you, give me a little feedback, by clicking the rating stars above.

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